Lonely Syndrome.

It's year 2020, almost the end of it in fact. The last time I write here was 5 years ago. In 2015 I was pregnant with Salsabila, not yet working, and clearly did not know what to do with my life. So perhaps I used the time to write.

A few days ago, I received a notification email from this blog of mine, that someone dropped a comment on my post on 'taking driving licence'. The person asked whether the JPJ instructor was garang. I replied the comment stating that the male instructors are usually nicer than female. Oops. Well at least that was my experience taking a total of 5 times of that freakin' driving licence! And now I don't even drive.... yet. Haha.

After replied to that comment, I scrolled this old blog of mine and bumped across what I wrote on my experience as an intern journalist at NST. I suddenly thought of my friend Poh Lean who was literally the reason I managed to go through the torturous 3 months internship period. 

We were friends on facebook, until I deleted my previous account and lost her. I missed her so much! Not sure why, but I cried while searching for her on Google and facebook. I found her on linkedin and god knows the other platform's name. 

I opened the folder which I kept all my articles that I wrote at NST, and found the one we wrote together. It was to ensure I got her name and the spelling right. I remembered her name is Poh Lean, and I also remember she used a different name on Facebook which I completely forgotten the name. So it was difficult to trace her. On linkedin if I'm not mistaken, I found her and the name was Yuki Ling. I sent messages to her and quickly searched for her name again on facebook. I found her!!!!! I DMed Poh Lean and got a response about 5 minutes later. She gave me her number and we communicate on whatsapp.  

Poh Lean migrated to Italy 8 years ago. She found her love of her life who is an Italian and moved to Sicily. Poh Lean, when did you get marry ya? Why didn't I attend? Whyyyy? Ayayayayaya.

We chatted about how things have changed since we left NST. We are both now a homemaker who also do a side job from home. She's got two boys while I got two girls. We chatted about an hour and then Poh Lean asked for time out since she had to prepare lunch. 

Okay what does all these have got to do with 'Lonely Syndrome'? I actually had a three consecutive dreams about friends. Day 1, about Katy my friend in KPMIM and in Welly. The next day was Ain Dzul and Jannah. The last dream had Myn as the main character. 

I reminisced my high school and university days, the friendship I made along the way. Until today I am still in vague about what has happened that made myself a little bit an outcast from the friends who I used to be really close, be it friends from high school or university. 

Yes there were several communication breakdowns with my friends that I faced in almost every stages of life; high school, university, workplace. Mostly I made peace with them, admit my mistakes and apologize. There are also cases which I firmly believe I'm not wrong. So... sorry not sorry. 

I want to highlight the case when I was in high school. These friends mainly are the friends that I know from primary school. I don't know what exactly happened that I can't seem to be as 'rapat' as how they converse with each other on facebook's comment sections. 

I did disappear from social media for 11 months from Oct 2018 until Sept 2019. Loooong before that I was in New Zealand for three and a half years. Before that I was in KPMIM. And before KPMIM, I was in SMTG. I forgot that I went to three high schools haha. The one I am focusing now is SMKDAR. 

Probably after I left SMKDAR in 2004, that was when I forgot my dear friends. I was sooooo lost at SMTG. Just couldn't cope with the subjects I was taking. I excelled only in Bahasa Melayu, English, Maths and Agama I guess? Or maybe Sejarah also. Other than that, I got terrible marks and my grades were embarrassing for AddMaths, Physics, Chemistry, Civil Engineering, Lukisan Kujuruteraan. 

I didn't go to school for a total of 30 days or maybe more when I was 17. I walked out of home wearing school attire, but then I went to my former tuition teacher's place. Kak Sal's place was where I would escape. She never asked anything. She welcomed me and asked me to rest, eat and sleep. Love you Kak Sal. Allah bless you. Last time I went to your house was 4 years ago. 

Ok dah jauh dah cerita ni daripada point asal. Now again, what was it that made me 'lose' all these good SKA and SMKDAR friends? I am still searching for the reason behind it. 

Back to Lonely Syndrome, I felt empty... feeling like not having friends who I can really talk to. It's not that I don't have any that I can talk to.... but I did feel lonely. You know what I'm saying? Guys, I am talking about friends, not husband okay? I never felt lonely in that regard. 

Well I still am not sure about the roots of 'losing' my good friends. However I do admit that not going out and meeting friends surely contributed to this lonely feeling. Being caved at home with kids 24/7 is no funny business at all. It tires you inside and out. 

I spoke about this lonely feeling to Amirul. He suggested me to go out with friends. He repeatedly told me that the transition that I experienced, from being a working person, going out and about, to becoming a homemaker has been taking its toll on me. He witnessed all sorts of characters that came out of myself; becoming a real monster, a forever grumpy wife, an extremely fierce Bonda, irritated at everything, and the list goes on. 

I know I am writing a little thing of everything that this story is quite messy! Hope you guys understand the main points, the elaborations, the opening, closure, climax etc (as if I got all these, hahaha).  

Yaya and Atiqah, who I consider as my oldest friends were the seconds I talked to when I was hit by this lonely syndrome. Yaya was concerned and told me to call her whenever I feel like talking to someone. Yesterday I suggested that we meet. So we decided to meet tomorrow, in shaa ALLAH. 

Sooo looking forward to see them tomorrow! 

By the way, to friends who still contact and connect with me, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. I love you all.